Introduction

I accepted a long time ago that even if I was the best in the world at something, I’d still think that I was rubbish. Part of me believes it’s a wider issue with our society – that women ‘should’ be humble and how it’s often glamourised to use self-deprecating language. Another part of me believes my own challenges come from past experiences and how I grew up. It’s the latter that I will be addressing here as I’ve felt it easiest to learn lessons and take actionable steps in this area (rather than trying to take on the world and it’s many belief systems about how women should feel and act).

In this post, I’ll be sharing some anecdotes that have moulded my beliefs about self-esteem, how to build it and what barriers I’ve faced over the years. I personally feel that what I write about here is fairly unconventional – for me, self-esteem building is so much more than positive affirmations or small, easy steps.

 As a brief disclaimer, I am not a therapist or mental health professional, this post is simply me discussing my own journey to working on my self-esteem. I wanted to share it just in case it spoke to anyone reading but if you have genuine concerns about your emotional wellbeing, it is always beneficial to discuss with a professional. On this link, you can find advice from the NHS as well as where to go next if you feel you need more support.

Recognising The ‘Everyone Hates Me’ Mentality

I remember a time where, before publishing a blog post, I’d automatically assume I’d get hate for it, regardless of the content. Similarly, I’d often leave social gatherings feeling like I’d said and done everything incorrectly and secretly, my friends thought I was a bad person. Looking back, I realise it sounds silly to assume everyone always thought negatively of me but, at the time, it felt very real.

Beginning to notice this mentality and therefore, begin to work on challenging these beliefs was a major step forward for me in terms of my self-esteem.

It’s The Most Insecure People Who Will Question You (In A Mean Way)

Some might consider this controversial, but I honestly believe that those who make mean comments have more things to worry about in terms of themselves as opposed to the person they’re trying to bring down. Throughout my teenage years, I experienced bullying. While this particular individual made my life extremely hard for a long while (stealing from me, turning friends against me etc.), it’s clear to me now that, to act in that manner to another human being, you must have a certain level of personal issues you need to work on.

Once I realised that things aren’t automatically my fault (e.g., if someone was questioning me in an unfriendly way, I wasn’t necessarily doing anything wrong) I felt a lot more confident in my decision making across all areas of life.

Now Is the Time I Dreamt of All Those Years Ago

I remember some really dark and heavy days when I was a teenager. I remember believing I’d never find someone to love and accept me for who I am (I’d been through some really bad break ups that had left me feeling terrible about not only love but people in general). In short, I never thought I’d ever be where I am today – living with someone who means the world to me and getting married to him this summer. If someone had told me that this would be my future back then, I’d have assumed they were crazy.

Perspective is a strange thing, but it’s been extremely useful in helping me to realise what I have to be grateful for. In the context of self-esteem, it brings me a sense of positivity – if things aren’t going well right now, it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s my fault or that I’m stuck where I am. Things can always take a turn for the better, even if it feels like it can only get worse in the moment.

School Yard Gossip Never Ends

Something I recently learned was that the things you experience on the school yard don’t seem to end with the last day of school unfortunately. If people gossiped about you when you were younger, those people may never change, even if you haven’t spoken to them or seen them in a long time. The blessing and curse of social media is that people can stay up to date on your life, even if they rarely see you for real. For some, these updates make for excellent conversation fuel and if it’s anything like what I’ve experienced, it may not necessarily be pleasant chatter.

Several years ago, I made the national news for the hate I received while setting up my small business and a vital lesson I learned was that even a negative story can result in amazing things. Off the back of the articles, I made friends, connections and gained many loyal customers. While the haters thought they’d brought me down with their words, I was actually on the way up because of them. If people like to say unfriendly things behind your back about something you’re doing, in my opinion, it shows that they can’t get you out of their minds and, as long as you’re not harming yourself or others, that’s a ‘them’ issue.

Stop Apologising

It’s easy to become a chronic apologist. I remember being at the supermarket fairly recently and someone bumped into me with their trolley. I caught myself apologising to them even though I’d done nothing wrong. This point is something I’m still personally working on, but I believe it’s important to recognise when you should and should not apologise for your actions. As mentioned previously, if you’ve caused no harm to someone else, why should you apologise? For me, this is about so much more than just saying sorry. It’s about recognising that I’m able to take up space in this world as much as the next person. I don’t need to diminish myself by apologising just for being in the supermarket prior to being hit by someone else’s trolley.

Find Your Group

In the past, I had a minor falling out with a friend. It stemmed from them being unhappy with how I expressed myself during a conversation (nothing dramatic, they just didn’t like what I’d said). When they brought it up to me, their words really upset me and, for a while, I was genuinely afraid to be in social settings. Given how hurt I’d felt, I was afraid of a similar situation happening again. Around a month passed by when I talked to another trusted friend about what I’d experienced, and they were quick to tell me that it seemed like the other person had overreacted.

It was at this moment that I realised how important it is to question who you spend your time with. If a group of people make you feel negatively about yourself, constantly doubt you or your values (when there isn’t anything to analyse), there comes a time where it’s important to ask yourself whether they’re helping or hurting you. Over the years, I’ve allowed many friendships to fade, just because I wasn’t sure the relationship was wholly positive anymore. At the time, it felt difficult but, in the long term, I definitely felt it was beneficial to spend my time with those who raise me up rather than bring me down.

Conclusion on Building Self-Esteem

Building self-esteem is a dynamic and ongoing process. It requires challenging negative thought patterns, understanding that others’ negativity often reflects their own insecurities, and maintaining perspective. It also involves setting boundaries, choosing supportive relationships, and recognizing your inherent worth. I hope this post has provided some things to think about – if you have anything to add on this subject, I’d love to hear it in the comments.