3 Things I’m Definitely Not Going to be Feeling Guilt and Shame About in the Future

In life, I feel that there are a lot of things that society dictates are shameful or we should feel embarrassed about. Some of these things are less harmful like your friends telling you you’re a bit odd for eating certain food combinations together while others can really hurt people’s feelings or change the way they interact with others. Given that another year is almost at an end, I wanted to reflect on the things that I definitely won’t be carrying around as examples of guilt and shame in the future. I also wanted to discuss here the ways I’m learning how to deal with shame and how I’m working through it.

Going to see a therapist when I feel I need to

I’ve had challenges with regard to my mental health for most of my teenage/adult life. I won’t go into detail (that’s for another day) but I have struggled with learning to live with Asperger’s syndrome as well as anxiety and bouts of depression. In the early days, I tried to keep it all to myself until such a point where it became too much to handle. My family never really acknowledged my struggles and friends didn’t really know how to help me so seeking the right support has been something I’ve had to do by myself. Until recently, I held a lot of shame surrounding the subject of seeing a counsellor for talking therapy. Firstly, I think was to do with never finding the right therapist for me and also the stigma that still, unfortunately, surrounds mental health. Nowadays, I’m glad to have finally made sense of some deep-seated ‘baggage’ (my word for it) with someone who really understands me. I think, in the UK, we have this idea that you should only go to see a therapist when your entire world is falling apart but, for me, seeing her at a time where I was generally ok and just wanted to work through some stuff has been incredible for my personal growth.

Feeling ashamed of being different

I was someone who was never the same as anyone else. I know everyone is unique but I was so different, I always felt like the odd one out. Years on, I know that part of it was to do with having Asperger’s but the rest was just who I was. Other people at school would pick on me because I loved the type of music you’d find on Clubland CDs rather than screamo or the soundtrack of Glee. I loved TV shows like Doctor Who or documentaries rather than Big Brother and other reality shows. I also always loved writing and wrote well over 100 poems before my 16th birthday. In short, I became the ‘freak’ of any group I was a part of but I wasn’t willing to change. Over time, it knocked my confidence a lot to never really feel accepted into most circles (I had a very small friend group throughout school).

Thankfully, the world started to change to a point where there was easy access to a huge variety of real people online who were just like me – different. Of course, the YouTubers I watched or the blogs I read were all unique in their own way but it inspired me to know that I didn’t have to fall into line for life to fall into place. Now, I’m proud of standing firm and being myself rather than following trends and some successes I’ve had in life have directly been linked to my desire to live nothing but a life of authenticity. 

Putting myself and my needs first

It’s true what they say when you’re on an aeroplane – you should always put on your own oxygen mask before helping others. If you always live your life putting everyone else before yourself, you’ll slowly feel your own metaphorical cup drain. I know because I’ve been there. I’ve been in a position where I thought it was my duty both as a woman and as a young person to help others just because that’s what I felt society was telling me to do. These attitudes remained a part of me for years. I found myself running around doing other people’s homework or tutoring people after hours via MSN instant message during my school years. While at university, I found myself getting involved with projects I wasn’t sure were for me just because it ‘looked good’ and challenged the social construct surrounding millennials. Eventually, I realised just how much I lost my true self along the way. By last year, I realised I had stopped writing (a much-loved hobby from my past) and was feeling generally agitated when anyone asked for my help. I decided enough was enough, removed my name from the imaginary list of ‘ask those people whenever you want something’ and learned how to politely decline when I felt I needed to. Of course, I still do help people when they need me but, with clear boundaries in place, I feel that I can actually enjoy doing something for someone now rather than reaching burnout. 

What will you be leaving behind in the future? Bad habits, negative self-talk or even, like me, things you’ve previously shamed yourself for? Let me know in the comments!