In this post:
Introduction
Finding the dress is something many girls dream of from an early age. I remember painting women in white dresses when I was perhaps five years old, excitedly telling family members that she was a ‘bride’ and this was her ‘pretty dress’. Even as I got older and enjoyed art throughout my teenage years, I found myself sketching dresses I loved and wondering if one would be similar to what I’d get married in in the future. Fast forward to now and I can honestly admit that it’s probably become my greatest stressor of the wedding planning process.
This post is a casual but raw discussion about my feelings on this subject in the hopes that maybe someone out there can relate or perhaps will feel less alone in this journey. Personally, I wanted to add some balance to the topic as I don’t feel that many people discuss anything beyond the positives and excitement of dress shopping when, in reality, I’ve learned there’s a lot to unpack.
To be completely honest, I didn’t get engaged all that long ago but I’ve very quickly come to realise that the world of weddings is a very confusing place. At a fayre Mike and I visited, many service providers or venue representatives told me I was already ‘late’ to be booking things for our 2025 wedding. Others told me I was far too early to be doing anything at all. Through these comments, I realised it was up to us if we wanted to begin planning things early or whether we wanted to wait – I chose the former as I knew I wanted time to think and also, the flexibility of availability. That forward planning is what has brought me to begin my dress search, allowing me the time to explore what I like without the pressure to purchase straight away.
The Problems I’ve Encountered With Wedding Dress Shopping
From the outset, I said I didn’t want to spend too much on a dress. I even said this long before getting engaged – it’s nothing new or particularly linked to where I am financially at any given time. It’s just one day, I’ll only wear it once and I’m so indecisive, I’ll probably wish I’d chosen better after a few years anyway (I know I’ve felt this way about 90% of formalwear outfits I’ve bought in the past). Given this, I’ve found myself stuck. Most bridal shops seem to begin at well over £1000 which is not a place I want to be for the dress alone if I can help it (I still need a budget for alterations and accessories).
I’ve also noticed that most charge a fair amount for an appointment. The chargeable appointments tend to be beautiful photogenic affairs, reminiscent of shows like ‘Say Yes to the Dress’ where you’re encouraged to bring your friends as they squeal and cry while you find the perfect gown. The free appointments? Many won’t allow you to bring anyone, don’t allow much time/the option to try on much or are set up in ways that aren’t the most comfortable (not much privacy for example).
Having visited one bridal shop already, I can honestly say that I believe the process of finding my dress will be a miserable, stressful one. I may sound overdramatic but let me explain: besides the subject of money, I can’t avoid the inevitable creeping in of negative body image self-talk.
I tried on four gowns at the shop and felt nothing. I was expecting to experience the wave of sheer emotion at the sight of myself in the mirror but instead, it felt like I was looking at a stranger. All I could see was how ill-fitting many of the dresses were around my chest, or how white definitely doesn’t compliment my skin. I hated how one style made my legs look short yet somehow made my torso look a strange shape even though that was the only one that felt comfortable to wear. I cursed my thighs for not being able to sit down in another style – the fabric too restrictive in this area. I loathed how my sensitive skin wouldn’t tolerate some of the itchier lace fabrics and wished I could be someone who would be happy to wear a dress all day that must have weighed 10kg.
My old demons came out to play, urging me to reconsider the plastic surgery I’d told myself I didn’t need. If none of the bodices fit, maybe you do need that breast enlargement after all, they whispered. I also began to feel a great deal of worry about upholding my budget at this point – I’ve been told I’ll need to pay anything between £200 to £1000 to alter most dresses to fit my body type. I’m not sure how factually accurate this is but the upper end would immediately shatter any hopes of keeping things within sensible pricing, even if the dress cost next to nothing.
Until this point, I’d been telling myself that it would be easy to find something that was a ‘near enough’ fit with little to no need for alterations but during this try-on session, these ideas were quickly proven to be nothing but a fantasy. After further consultation with my inner critique, I came to the gut-wrenching realisation that I’d been telling myself, for years, that I didn’t deserve to spend money to alter the dress to fit me, I had to alter myself to fit the dress.
Intermingling the astronomical cost of the wedding industry with my own inner critique has been one of the biggest challenges so far. How much do I want to spend on alterations before I deem the dress simply not right for my body type? Will I blame myself for not ‘accepting’ myself enough to spend whatever it costs as an act of defiance? What if I can’t find the budget for it, will I reach new depths of body confidence hell? The anxiety of it all is deafening as, despite writing this blog post, I don’t have the answers.
Why The Right Dress is So Important to Me
I think it’s a good point to rewind to provide further context. Without it, it’s easy to wonder why I’m so bothered about finding the right dress and why beginning the search has had such an impact on me.
As I touched upon in the introduction, I dreamed of dresses when I was a young girl and this carried through my teenage years. However, there was a time during my teens where I was forced to consider the fact that I may never have the opportunity to plan my own wedding. I’ve never fully discussed where my mental health was during that time period but for the sake of keeping it brief, there was a while where I stopped planning for any kind of future, believing that, if I did, it may have worked out just as bad as the days I was living through at the time.
After years of being treated poorly by certain people in my life, I just couldn’t even begin to understand that one day, someone like Mike would come along. Someone who would love and accept me without wanting to change everything about me. Before Mike, the thought of one day being finally happy felt like an impossibility and something akin to winning the lottery – everybody tries for it but very few achieve it.
For me, the right dress has become one of the most important aspects of wedding planning. I think, part of me views it as my big chance to truly embody what I’ve always wanted but perceived as out of my reach throughout my younger years. To me, the right dress feels like finally reconciling with that girl who was taught through lived experience that she was unlovable. It feels like extending a hand to her, the one who was always kicked to the side in favour of someone ‘better’. For just one day, she and I, past and present me, get to be the main character in the fairytale.
Moving Forward
Right now, I find myself in a position of hoping there’ll be the right dress out there for me and hoping I have it in my heart to enjoy what I see in the mirror when I find it. Until then, I wanted to share some of the practical steps I’m taking:
- Identifying local places to visit and try on dresses that don’t charge appointment fees. I understand why business owners feel the need to charge but I physically cannot shell out money just to visit shops when I know I’ll need to visit a fair few to feel confident enough to make a decision on anything. It also doesn’t feel good to me to pay and possibly not see anything I even like.
- Doing my best to respect my body just the way it is but moving towards as healthy of a lifestyle as I can. For me, this looks like respecting my mental well-being, eating enough healthy food and moving in ways that feel good.
- Figuring out the hard limit on my budget. I’ve already purchased part of my outfit (an accessory) but I want to identify where I stand on what I want the final cost to come in as (or under). This would need to include alterations. My thinking on this is that there would be no point in me burning excessive amounts of money on a dress in the hopes of feeling better about my self-worth – that has to come from within and no amount of money will ever be able to help me with that.
I hope this post has been helpful to someone out there. I really wanted to give my honest, uncensored thoughts on this subject as I feel that people often don’t discuss the more negative or difficult aspects of the wedding planning or dress purchasing process. To be perfectly honest though, I really enjoyed writing about this topic as a therapeutic process for myself, even if nobody else reads it. If you have any thoughts, suggestions or comments, please start a conversation down below or email me directly!
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